Even Level

On Wednesday, April 6 it was in the afternoon and I was very anxious to take a preg test.  My period was supposed to start the next day but I just had a feeling I was pregnant. *

*I had been doing a lot of reading online all out pregnancy and how it all happens.  A couple days earlier I was having cramps for 2 days that went away.  I read online it could be what they call implantation cramps.  I got really excited in my mind thinking that’s what the cramps were.  The only problem was I didn’t have a “feeling” that I was pregnant.  It was the previous Sunday and we had just barely put Jaycee to bed.  We turned the tv off and sat in the dark for a few minutes.  It was my turn to say prayers and right as I was about to say them I had an overwhelming feeling I was pregnant.  I started crying.  I’m sure Craig was thinking I was crazy.  I told him the feeling I had and didn’t know if it was me being crazy or really was my feeling I was waiting for.

So Wednesday we had just finished lunch and I got the test out.  I took the test and sure enough there was a + sign.  It was very faint and was the last of the off brand we had bought.  I decided to the next day Thurs to see if my period would start, even though I KNEW I was pregnant.  Thursday came and no period, no cramps.  This was nice!  On the way home from my meeting at the church I stopped at Wal-Mart and bought another pack of tests.  I did some research online (obviously I do this a lot) and found the best brand was First Response.  So that’s what I bought.  I got home and at 10:30 at night I took another test (2^nd one) and again a faint pink line.  But it was there!  Again Friday I took a test and the line was a little darker, but it was still there.  Also another thing is that no one knew, not even Craig!  He was out of town and I wanted a cute surprise for him.  I did tell Dalynne because I knew I could trust her and needed someone to talk to it about.  This was exciting news!  It had been 6 months we’d been trying!

Saturday it was Craig’s 32^nd birthday and he was taking a test in California.  I only got to talk to him between tests and before he boarded his plane.  I wanted to spill the beans so bad!  Instead I made it sound like my period started and was crampy and bummed it didn’t happen again…when really it did J  I was going to save the last test the next day with him, but I liked seeing the double lines so I took the last test and the best one of them all.  This was the 4^th POSITIVE test I had gotten.

Sunday Craig got home from CA and I was sooooo excited.  I’m sure I was beaming and had a glow in my face.  Right when he got home I couldn’t hide the excitement.  I had got him the movie “Little Rascals” and said, “Hope you’re ready for another Little Rascal”  I wrapped it up and he was thinking it was probably just a present for his birthday.  He was so happy and we hugged and cried!  He had no idea.  We had a great afternoon with sweet pork for dinner and Better Than Sex Cake for Craig’s birthday  and also he got to open his other present.  I was so exhausted from the weekend and had only got about 7 hours of sleep the night before so I layed down for a little nap.  I had some cramps but I knew that can be normal with being pregnant.  At about 6 pm I had to use the bath room so bad.  When I sat down I saw blood and it freaked me out!  It wasn’t a ton, but it definitely wasn’t spotting.  Of course, I started crying and bummed that we might have lost the baby.  I did more research online about miscarriages and with the bleeding I could’ve been having one, but it had stopped.  It was only the one time, and then it was more looks likes of spotting.  My cramps were still there but hardly much.  I cried and took a hot shower and just wanted to go to bed.  I text Dalynne since she had experienced this before and her friend who works in a hospital said to just take it easy and put my feet up.  So that’s what I did for the rest of the night.  I didn’t know if I for sure lost the baby but decided it’d be best to call the doctor the next morning.  Craig gave me a blessing that night saying everything would be okay and not to jump to conclusions. 

Monday bright and early I called the doctor’s office.  We’ve already had really BAD experiences with health care out here in Maine, and heard really good things about this new doctor I was planning on going to.  So I called the office and gave her all my information.  I had told her I found out I was preg on the weekend and took 4 postitive tests.  She went to schedule my 8 week apt but then I told her how on Sunday night I had a little bit of bleeding, but I knew that can happen “certain times” when “certain things” happen.  She continued to ask when my last period was.  I told her March 10 which was 4 weeks last thurs.  She says back, “Well, sweetie it was probably your period!”  Um, I DON’T THINK SO.  I was really irritated because who is she to know what my period is like.  I’m on a 28 days and Monday was day 32!  I got a little defenseless and said, “how could it be my period if I got 4 positive tests and just a little bleeding that had by that time stopped”  She acted like she had her mind made up that I either miscarried or my period came.  I said “Well, I guess we just wait it out then?”  She said I guess we’ll schedule an apt for the next day”  I was sooooo irritated.  Why can’t they take my side and how can they jump to such conclusions!  Monday dragged on so bad!  I did research and found usually if you miscarry it’s enough blood for a pad an hour also it is like period symptoms.  This wasn’t the case with me.  So I went with my special feeling I had and just knew in my heart I was pregnant.  I didn’t care what they said or how stupid they made me feel.  I knew we’d go in the next day and I’d prove them wrong!  Also Craig went and bought ANOTHER preg test at lunch which for the FIFTH time came back POSITIVE! 

Tuesday came and it was time for our appointment.  They had me fill out all my paperwork and then continue to say that the 8 week apt I did have was no longer there and to disregard that.  How did they know I wouldn’t be there for 8 week appointment!  It felt to me that they already had their mind made up that I wasn’t pregnant.  I had to pee in a cup then weight taken, blood pressure, and then my blood was drawn.  After about maybe 5-10 minutes a NP came in, sit down and say, “Bad news is, you’re not pregnant!”  NO FREAKIN WAY!  I had to try really hard to keep the tears from flowing.  She went on to say my urine was low and asking questions as far as when my last period was, what symptoms I was having, and asking about the bleeding.  I told her and also said I had taken 5 tests that ALL CAME BACK POSTIVE including the one I took the previous day.  She seemed surprised that I would get 5 and hers didn’t.  I tried really hard to just play it “cool” and not seem too upset my the news when in my heart I was aching.  It just didn’t make sense!  How could they know just with a urine sample and not even know my blood results.  She had me take a lab slip with me “just in case” the blood results came back and needed more done.  But she made it sound like they’d come back low because she said I had a spontaneous miscarriage.  We got in the car, Craig was so upset.  He kept saying, they better be right!  We had already had bad experiences here and he just wanted them to prove the health care out here was actually good.  I cried the whole way home!  I was sad because we had been trying for 6 months.  Also the perfect timing of having a due date of dec 15.  Also Jaycee would be such a good sister.  Just everything I had felt could be so wrong.  It just didn’t make sense.  Craig took off the afternoon of work and just let me cry on him and then I took a nap.  I woke up and said, I just need to drown my sorrows and just not care.  We went to the store and bought some juice (it sounded really good to me) and ice cream.  Then walked next door for some subway for dinner.  I knew the doc would call the next day and told myself to believe that she’d tell me things were good and go about your normal schedule and hopefully it’d happen again soon. 

Wednesday!  I woke up hoping yesterday was a big dream.  And then I cried.  I was only 4 ½ weeks along, but it was still a beautiful thing to conceive and not be able to carry the baby.  I wanted really bad to go get some caffeine and just clean.  I know, I love to clean.  I was downstairs to get Jaycee breakfast and about 930 went up to get my computer.  There was a message on my phone from the NP Susan to call her.  I’m sure she just wanted to go over the results.  I immediately called her back hoping to be done with this all and move on.  “Hi Amanda, your test results came back and looks like your levels are at 112.6”  What does that mean?  I thought.  “Looks like that’s perfect levels for being 4 ½ weeks pregnant.”  Okay, so what does that mean?  I had to go up to the hospital by my house to get my blood drawn.  At this point I wanted to say, Um, ya duh!  Because I’m freakin pregnant!  But for their sake and for no emotional roller coasters just thought, after the blood test it’ll probably be back down.  I headed up to the hospital and glad it was quick and only took 25 minutes.  It was a rainy day and I felt so tired!  No to mention the emotions I’ve been dealing with for almost a week!  About 4:00 pm that same day I get another phone call.  It was Susan the NP again.  She starts by saying “you weren’t supposed to test the blood until 48 hours.”  I said, “No, you told me within 48 hours”  She continues by saying, “Well the results show it went up to 177!”  Okay, wait a minute.  I “supposedly” had a miscarriage and am not pregnant.  How could my levels go up 65 in less than 24 hours!  I asked, “So I didn’t miscarry.”  She says, “Looks like that’s not the case”  I was PISSED!  Do you realize what you have put me and my family through!  I knew it all didn’t make sense!  I’m usually not the type to speak my mind and cause conflict but I was so angry.  I said, “Why did we jump to such conclusions that other day that I miscarried when you hadn’t even seen my blood levels.  You have to understand what I’m going through.”  She apologized and said the urine test were low so that usually meant your not pregnant.  What should’ve happened is the urine test came back low, but you don’t come in and say, You miscarried and your not pregnant.  They didn’t even have my blood work yet!  So now I have to go back once again on Friday to get my blood taken AGAIN.  The levels should be around 400 since it will be 48 hours since the last time.  Then when she gets my test she’ll call me again and go from there.  I hung up and immediately called Craig.  HE WAS LIVID!  HOW COULD HE TRUST A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL WITH HIS BABY AND PREG WIFE!  If we knew of a better clinic I’m sure we’d go elsewhere, but there’s not many options here.  He did give me good advise to keep an even level field.  He couldn’t go through all the ups and downs.  AND WE DEF WERE!  In my mind I want to shout for joy, but until the blood work comes back and I see a heart beat on that ultrasound, then I can take a deep sigh!  Until then, an even level field! 

I’ve noticed more preg symptoms the past days.  My boobs are more tender and I’m extremely tired.  I seriously slept almost the whole day away yesterday.  I’ve been a little nausea but I think it’s from the pre-natal pills.  I’m excited for tomorrow to get some more answers, but I will trust my faith in Heavenly Father and the blessings I’ve been given.  I know things will be okay, for good or bad, and I know he gave me that strong feeling that Sunday night for a reason.  Hopefully in 9 months from now I’ll be holding my pride and joy and knowing it was all worth it.