(Beware this is graphic and noted for my own journal. Feel free to read if you'd like)
After the doctor called and explained my miscarriage would be within a week I felt ready for this to be over. At first I was positive. Then anger set in. Not against Heavenly Father, just angry towards anything to do with baby. Then grief and tears came. And overcoming crying! Also came depression and wanting to be alone, but not from my girls & Craig. Just alone from anyone seeing me. My dear sweet friend brought me flowers & chocolate and when I saw her pull up I felt ashamed & embarrassed but I was glad after she left that she came. The few days brought a big clot about the size of 2 quarters. I had cramping but nothing too extreme. Then after that came just slow brownish bleeding. I thought these little/medium clots was all this miscarriage was going to entail. Oh man I was wrong. I had no idea what was coming ahead!!!
Christmas came and it felt good to relax at home. Jaycee had thrown up that morning so we were homebound. I honestly was feeling sooo much better and up in spirits until I called my mom and it reminded me of everything that was happening. She asked if I was having labor contractions when my clots came. I didn't really know what she was talking about.
The next day I was pretty crampy all day and so grateful for ibuprofen. We watched new movies and again a relaxing day. Then we just needed to get out!!! I felt cooped up. The girls you could tell needed out. We all got up & ready and headed to Walmart. As we were driving out I was hurting pretty bad with cramps and wished I had taken ibuprofen before we left. We were walking around and my lower back was killing me. At times I felt weak like I couldn't walk even. I was ready to be home and play some Mario Kart with D & her family and just relax again. Oh boy did the night change and no idea what was about to happen.
We got home and I had just a little plate of chips & cheese until I started feeling contractions. Hadley was born natural so of course I've felt the whole labor process so compared of a 10 I would say it was about a 5. Enough to hurt really bad but not quite the intensity. I quickly took my dinner to the table and sat on the toilet. 8:15pm There was a gush of blood and it had felt a little better. I sat there for about 25 minutes. It just felt good to sit there and let it come out. I felt done but then very sore with contractions. I came and laid on the living floor and was about in tears with pain. These were labor pains. I mean contractions for nothing--no baby! Craig and the girls just looked at me and I told Craig I just felt like I needed to push something out. After a few minutes I quickly ran back to the toilet and sat. He was so amazing and supportive. He stood and waited in the bathroom with me. He got me water. He listened. I just am so grateful he was there. I would get contractions and as they came I felt the urge to push. All that was coming out was liquid-blood-lots of it. Again the contractions, again pushing. I looked down there to see and sure enough there was something just sitting at my vagina trying to get out. I didn't want to pull it out, I just knew my body needed to do it. At the moment I didn't know what it was, all I knew is I was irritated this was taking so long and felt bad Craig just sitting there. At times I felt faint so I would lean forward. Water felt good to drink. Finally about 9:15 (one hour down) it plopped out. I kept flushing because I wanted a clean toilet for it to fall into, but that didn't happen. It was at least the size of a golf ball. It was big. It had a rough looking side with a very soft, silky side. After looking online today I know that this was the placenta & baby sack. I wanted to dig it out but Craig though I was crazy. Away it flushed.
I felt better at this point. Stood up. Within 2 minutes again here came the contractions. Again here came the pain. I need to sit again. I booked it upstairs to camp for the night. Again sat for until about 10:45 while passing lots of clots. Big ones. lots of blood. Craig put the girls to bed and then laid outside of the bathroom to be my help mate. Also he gave me a blessing of comfort which I feel so strongly that has been my strength through this. I was so tired and wanted to go to bed but there was no way I wanted to put on a pad knowing I would soak through quickly. I finally felt well enough and sat in the shower for about 30 more minutes. Passed 3 more clots and then felt so much better. Exhausted. I quickly laid in bed & cried. Sobbed. I thought of all these perfect little newborns born lately and mine just got flushed down a toilet. My toilet. Pain-no baby. It was a rough, emotional realization that yes, I was indeed pregnant. Yes, we had another child #3. No, it'll never be here with us. Craig cuddled me and away I slept into la-la land.
The next morning I woke up refreshed. Very weak but felt good. I was having slight contractions but nothing like last night. I called my mom to talk to her & also my doctor who said everything sounded normal. I was still bleeding. About one paid every 1-2 hours. I would feel a contractions and a little gush and knew when that happened I would run to the toilet with a clot & gush. My body was working hard to get all this out. I've used so much toilet paper. So many flushed toilets. Dry hands from washing. Luckily I snuck in a 20 minute nap but woke up in a lot of pain. Again contractions. No appetite. No thirst. Just want this over. Again to the bathroom I went. Again I was feeling the strong contractions but didn't have the urge to push like last night. But with these intense contractions I thought, I'm just going to push. Out another big clot that suprised me. Sigh of relief. I was feeling good from there on out. Still blood and little clots but no contractions. I feel like I'm empty and my stomach is getting back to normal. Now I guess we just wait for another week or 2 for this to taper off.
This past week I've felt so much love for my 2 girls. I've felt that maybe our family is just made for 2 kids cuz this is hard and I HATE being pregnant!!! I do know I'm not ready for this again for a while. I've loved cuddling with my Hadi and my Jaycee. They have been the loves & hugs that I've needed right now. They have been my smiles & laughter in a time that doesn't make room for them. They have given me upliftment that my body can make babies and this just was supposed to happen for some reason. They are my reason to be positive and keep being their mommy.
This past week I've also felt so much love for Craig. He's my rock. He tries so hard to take upon him my heart ache. He's been my punching bag "sorta speak" when I've been angry & said probably not-so-nice things about baby things. He's been my listening ear. He's been my best friend who understands the grief because we together made this baby. He's been my priesthood holder who worthily can speak for God to me personally. He's been my comforter who I don't feel ashamed to sob in his arms. I just know he was sent to me because we are perfect together.
My heart is full. My heart is ready to move on.
Here's a link that Craig found as I was going through this that was so helpful as I had no idea what was going to happen. I found it so helpful. http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1794-pregnancy-loss-information-and-faqs/2497944-natural-miscarriage-what-to-expect.html
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